Madison Klavier is a PhD student at the University of Wisconsin and the author of ‘Murdering Your Way to the New and Improved You’. She has described herself as ‘presently unavailable in person due to incarceration.’ She has also murdered, like, 9 people and she wanted to write an article for us so who were we to say no?
Have you ever had the fantasy of stabbing your annoying nosy neighbour in the neck? Ever worried that your colleague might tell your spouse about your affair? Or maybe you just want to feel blood pour over your hand as it grips a knife?
In this article, I’ll show you exactly how you can carry out the ultimate sin and maybe even get away scot-free. No Taycheedah Correctional Institution, Wisconsin, for you!
Watch Forensic Files
You can search for it on YouTube. It’s a great show where those idiot police and scientists reveal all the tricks that they use to catch people. Some of it is a bit out of date now but it’s still interesting if you’re in the planning stage. It’s not much use for you if you’re in the midst of slashing or pulling a trigger, though.
Aim for Friends and Family
There’s an adage in detective fiction: The murderer is probably the person you least suspect.
If you’re ever murdered, you’re in for a treat: The person who does it will probably know you and know you quite well. So, those of you with terrible personalities, be wary of your friends and family.
For those of you with annoying family members, you might get a more lenient sentence if you can convince the judge that they kinda deserved it.
Don’t Return to the Scene of the Crime
The temptation might be strong to return to the scene of where you committed your crime but that would be the stupidest thing ever. That’s how most people get caught.
Move far away from where the police are. Take a breath, meditate, go murder someone else, and then buy my book.