Dog food CEO resigns after dog food tests positive for dog

‘I actually don’t like dogs that much, to be honest with you,’ Drier Thompkins, former CEO of The Happy Dog Food Company, told reporters.

‘I actually don’t like dogs that much, to be honest with you,’ Drier Thompkins, former CEO of The Happy Dog Food Company, told reporters.

‘The only reason I’ve resigned is because I have this great clause in my contract which states I get millions if there’s an avoidable scandal and I resign,’ he continued.

Sources told The Squeaky Times that nineteen different pugs had found their way into a batch of slurry.

‘I don’t know what it is about our imitation chicken and synthetic pigeon cloaca, but pugs love it,’ one anonymous factory worker told our reporter. ‘We just watched the pugs fall into it like lemmings.’

Mick Oxford from Inverell, New South Wales, was first to bring the dog food contamination to the public’s attention.

‘I was just eating my breakfast one day,’ Mick told a TV camera crew. ‘And suddenly I says, “Hey, this tastes like one of them pug dogs.” It’s a bloody outrage, it is.’

There will be more ASMR YouTubers than people on Earth by 2050, scientists warn

‘If our current prediction models hold true,’ one unnamed physicist said, ‘we’re doomed.’

‘If our current prediction models hold true,’ one unnamed physicist said, ‘we’re doomed.’

ASMR – an initialism of “autonomous sensory meridian response” – is the term for the pleasurable sensation one feels when triggered by certain sounds. One purveyor of ASMR told us, ‘It really helped to listen to this stuff when I was detoxing from my porn addiction.’

An entire industry has built itself around the phenomenon with tens of millions of people subscribing to as many ASMR YouTubers. There are even some who make a living from creating triggering sounds into binaural microphones.

‘As the popularity of ASMR has skyrocketed,’ another physicist who wished to remain nameless told us, ‘everyone has jumped on the bandwagon. We’re certain that our planet shall be overrun by everyone who wishes to scratch their false nails against the grate of a condenser microphone.’

One of our journalists attempted to contact an ASMR YouTuber but found it difficult to understand the person’s whispering. As our journalist was leaving, the YouTuber narrowed their eyes and began stroking a makeup brush erotically along the bulbous head of their microphone.

Competitor with three arms disqualified at World Juggling Championship

Simone Costas was distraught after being informed that she was disqualified for having a third appendage.

Simone Costas was distraught after being informed that she was disqualified for having a third appendage.

‘I’d paid my entry fee,’ Simone reportedly said. ‘I walked up with my juggling clubs but the judges and everyone else all recoiled.’

Juggling Championship judge Max Atwell told us, ‘She had to be disqualified. People think that juggling is just a bit of fun and a laugh and a good time. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a serious sport. Is Olympics in our future? Who knows. Maybe Simone can try out for the Special Olympics.’

‘This is discrimination. Please help me. I don’t want to go to the lab again,’ Simone reportedly shouted as soldiers took her away.

Retirement home hires goons to collect on bingo debts

‘Okay, we get it,’ Pleasantville Retirement Village Manager Gary Kerrins told our journalist, ‘the elderly usually don’t have a lot of money, but a debt is a debt.’

‘Okay, we get it,’ Pleasantville Retirement Village Manager Gary Kerrins told our journalist, ‘the elderly usually don’t have a lot of money, but a debt is a debt.’

The retirement village, home to over 150 permanent residents, is planning to collect on – in its own estimation – approximately $74.98 in bingo debt.

‘A lot of our residents are, shall we say, forgetful,’ Mr Kerrins continued. ‘They need a bit of reminding every now and then.

‘So that’s why we’ve hired some local thugs that I met at the back of the pharmacy to start shaking these folks down. All I had to do was buy them a whole bunch of Sudafed.’

Technology company unveils first printer to be permanently low on ink

‘This is going to blow the market wide open,’ one analyst told us at the unveiling.

‘This is going to blow the market wide open,’ one analyst told us at the unveiling.

‘I’ve never seen such ingenuity and innovation,’ they continued.

The printer promises to ‘immediately frustrate those who have just purchased new ink cartridges at exorbitant prices.’

When asked what brands of ink the printer accepts, one executive told us: ‘The ink that the printer takes has been discontinued.’

As for the printer’s quality, the executive said, ‘I don’t know what it prints like. Any time I go to print it’s always low on ink.’

Walmart to close all stores as threat from unionisation ‘too damn high’

Company executives announced that Walmart stores across the continental United States will be closed down over the next few months.

Walmart stores across the continental United States will be closed down over the next few months as company executives determined that the threat of unionisation amongst employees simply wasn’t worth the risk.

‘I would rather die than let my store unionise,’ Sandra Collins, assistant manager at the Walmart Superstore in Louisville, Kentucky, told us. ‘The training video tapes that corporate sends us each week warn us of a virus that’s slowly eroding American values.’

The training DVDs she spoke of detail the alleged menace of unionisation. They emphasise that ‘associates’ (AKA employees) must avoid the temptation of feeling unhappiness at their working conditions. According to the materials, if an associate feels anything but joy, they are on the ‘path to evil’.

Our reporter asked Sandra how she would cope after losing her job. ‘I’m not frightened,’ she said. ‘Not one bit. I mean, okay, I have a mortgage, car payments, an addiction to purchasing many of our fine Walmart-branded products, and a child with a heart condition that requires expensive treatments, but closing down all of our stores is what’s best for the company. Now that’s something I can get behind.’

One unnamed Walmart executive we spoke to lamented that the board ‘had no other choice’.

‘It’s better this way,’ she told us. ‘We recommend that every retail store closes down to prevent any kind of organised labour. It’s the only way we will crush our enemies.’

MMA fighter stubs toe on way into cage, bout cancelled

‘It really hurt,’ Toby Tanaka, two-time Face Punching Champion, told gathered sports reporters.

The MMA fighter reportedly gasped and fell to his knees after striking his toe on the steel support structure of the cage. A crowd of several hundred fight fans watched on as doctors inspected the fighter. The referee, after conferring with fight officials, eventually declared the fight a no-contest.

As Tanaka writhed in agony on the ground, he is reported to have said, ‘Ow, my foot finger really hurts.’

One person in the building, however, was happy: ‘My friends have been laughing at me for years,’ a man, who would only give his name as Dillon, told a reporter. ‘Four years ago, I made a bet that Toby Tanaka would kick the outside of the cage in January 2020, at 9:30 pm, and the fight would be called off.

‘Best dollar I’ve ever won.’

Whales ask tourists to feed their plastic addiction

Mary-Lou Staceybelle Smith experienced a moment with whales that she’ll never forget.

Mary-Lou Staceybelle Smith experienced a moment with whales that she’ll never forget.

Sitting on a dock with our reporters near Anchorage, Alaska, Mary-Lou told us that a whale had spoken to her while she was on a tourist-outing on the waters nearby.

‘I swear to the great God above that this huge whale came up from beneath and spoke to us,’ Mary-Lou said, while slurping on a coke from a Styrofoam cup. ‘He breached the surface and looked right at us and our tour boat and said, in perfect American, “Hey, do you guys got any more of that plastic stuff?”‘

‘Now, we all thought this was amazing and so we started throwing everything plastic that we had. Water bottles, straws, shoes. I even threw my camera. This whale just gobbled it all up.’

Mary-Lou looked thoughtfully at the horizon. ‘All these environmentalists keep thinking all this plastic in the ocean is a bad thing, but the whales love it. Case in point, after that first whale swam away, another one came up and asked if we had any left. We obviously didn’t and he got very aggressive and started bashing our boat.

‘We nearly died,’ she laughed. ‘I’ve got about sixteen years worth of Tupperware containers that I’ve been meaning to throw out at home, so I’ll be making another trip to the ocean soon.’

Revealed: Cigarette companies funding billions in peer pressure research

An investigation into what tobacco companies are doing to promote their brands in lieu of traditional advertising has produced some startling revelations.

An investigation into what tobacco companies are doing to promote their brands in lieu of traditional advertising has produced some startling revelations.

One unnamed executive told our investigative reporter that tobacco companies are trying to tap into psychological manipulation. ‘We’ve seen a lot of positive results from encouraging kids to smoke in playgrounds. We’ve planted a few of our younger-looking employees in schools to needle kids into being moderately life-long customers.’

The executive lit a smooth-tasting, aromatic cigarette before continuing: ‘So, these plants in schools insult the other kids for being weak if they don’t want to smoke. You know, lots of offensive references to their sexuality and mothers.’

‘Unfortunately,’ the executive continued, ‘some of our employees were found out and arrested for being near kids.’

Hell News: Satan not interested in meeting Epstein

A spokesperson for the Dark Lord is reported to have said: ‘Mr Satan doesn’t think it would be a good PR look.’

A spokesperson for the Dark Lord is reported to have said: ‘Mr Satan doesn’t think it would be a good PR look.’

Shortly after allegedly committing suicide, Jeffrey Epstein found himself in the fiery depths of hell. Eye witnesses said that his descent was uneventful but that he had no friends in the afterlife.

‘No one jumped up to see him,’ one condemned soul told us. ‘He’s pretty isolated right now. Plus he has to sleep in the bottom bunk beneath someone who has been forced to wet the bed for eternity.’

A source close to Mr Satan said that one of Epstein’s punishments for the rest of time will most likely be ‘experiencing the sensation of having zero value as a creature and being aware that the entire universe considers you to be a stain of sheer misery.’