Cop files for damages after punching suspect too hard

A 72-year old grandmother has found herself at the receiving end of a barrage of punches and a multimillion dollar civil suit.

A 72-year old grandmother has found herself at the receiving end of a barrage of punches and a multimillion dollar civil suit.

‘My hand really, really hurts,’ Corporal Louise Lacey told gathered news crews.

When asked what led to the elderly woman’s arrest, Corporal Lacey said, ‘Listen, when someone looks at you the wrong way, you just know they’re a criminal scumbag who needs to be put in their place.’

An ICU doctor has described the woman’s condition as ‘critical’ and that she was in a ‘deep coma’. She has so far – rudely – not responded to requests for comment.

Young couple buys first home, find chalk outline in basement

A basement discovery has led to some confusion for a young couple.

Elise and Dan Taylor, both twenty-nine, recently purchased a two-storey colonial-style home in a quiet suburb of Washington D.C.

‘This is our dream home,’ Elise, an attorney, said.

Her husband, Dan, an abattoir cleaner, nodded along enthusiastically. ‘It’s in a perfect location, the schools are nearby and look great,’ he said.

‘Yep,’ Elise agreed. ‘It has everything that a growing family could ever wish for. Our neighbours are also really wonderful people. And we even got the house for an absolute steal with a great mortgage.’

Our reporter followed the couple into the basement where Elise pointed to an adult-sized chalk outline. ‘We don’t know what this is,’ she said. The chalk-body’s limbs were splayed at awkward angles save for the right leg. A second outline was a few metres away, drawn in the shape of a right leg.

‘We think maybe a child of the previous owners might’ve drawn this but we’ve been unable to contact them for some reason,’ Elise said.

Hell News: Angel and Demon become unlikely couple

Hesediel and Demiurge have made an implausible celebrity couple in the Afterlife World.

Hesediel and Demiurge have made an implausible celebrity couple in the world of the Afterlife.

Hesediel, hailing from the celestial heavens, told us how they met: ‘We were at a cocktail party thrown by JC. It was pretty boring until Demiurge and I both reached for the last pizza wheel.

‘It recoiled at my touch and cursed a snarl,’ Hesedial continued, ‘but there was something sexy in the way that it attempted to gore me that I just knew Demi was my eternal soulmate.’

And what does Demiurge, a data entry assistant at a small Hell-based investment bank, think of this Romeo and Juliet-esque love?

‘I’m trying to convince Hesedial to let me and my friends run a train on her,’ it told us.

Grave digger finds dead body

‘I was robbing some graves of jewelry when I saw ‘im lying there. All dead and stuff,’ Herbert T. Williams, professional grave digger, told our journalist.

‘I was robbing some graves of jewelry when I saw ‘im lying there. All dead and stuff,’ Herbert T. Williams, professional grave digger, told our journalist.

‘The best time to rob graves, I’ve found, is at night time because there are less grievers and whatnot,’ Mr Williams continued. ‘And I’m often busy digging the holes and chucking the bodies in there.’

Williams brought our reporter over to the body of the unidentified man and pointed.

‘See? I told you I’d found a dead body. You guys thought it was a joke call, but it’s real, see? There’s a dead guy,’ Williams said and pointed to a decomposing, fully-clothed corpse.

‘You didn’t call the police?’ Our journalist asked him.

‘No,’ Williams shook his head. ‘I was thinking maybe it was zombie thing. I was gonna call a relative and get him picked up he didn’t have anything in his wallet.’

Renowned serial killer gives us her top murdering tips

Madison Klavier is a PhD student at the University of Wisconsin and the author of ‘Murdering Your Way to the New and Improved You’.

Madison Klavier is a PhD student at the University of Wisconsin and the author of ‘Murdering Your Way to the New and Improved You’. She has described herself as ‘presently unavailable in person due to incarceration.’ She has also murdered, like, 9 people and she wanted to write an article for us so who were we to say no?

Have you ever had the fantasy of stabbing your annoying nosy neighbour in the neck? Ever worried that your colleague might tell your spouse about your affair? Or maybe you just want to feel blood pour over your hand as it grips a knife?

In this article, I’ll show you exactly how you can carry out the ultimate sin and maybe even get away scot-free. No Taycheedah Correctional Institution, Wisconsin, for you!

Watch Forensic Files

You can search for it on YouTube. It’s a great show where those idiot police and scientists reveal all the tricks that they use to catch people. Some of it is a bit out of date now but it’s still interesting if you’re in the planning stage. It’s not much use for you if you’re in the midst of slashing or pulling a trigger, though.

Aim for Friends and Family

There’s an adage in detective fiction: The murderer is probably the person you least suspect.

Wrong!

If you’re ever murdered, you’re in for a treat: The person who does it will probably know you and know you quite well. So, those of you with terrible personalities, be wary of your friends and family.

For those of you with annoying family members, you might get a more lenient sentence if you can convince the judge that they kinda deserved it.

Don’t Return to the Scene of the Crime

The temptation might be strong to return to the scene of where you committed your crime but that would be the stupidest thing ever. That’s how most people get caught.

Move far away from where the police are. Take a breath, meditate, go murder someone else, and then buy my book.

Or else.

Russian roulette game ends early as gun fully loaded

A friendly game of Russian roulette has gone horribly wrong.

Four teenagers aged between sixteen and eighteen – Trayden, Hopayden, Quayden, and Cakayden – were found shot dead in a garage in an upscale middle-class neighbourhood outside Denver, Co.

On Saturday morning, neighbours described hearing a loud bang, some cheering, another loud bang, quieter cheering, and another shot, followed by one lone child’s cheers. The final shot apparently came just seconds later.

In a joint statement, the parents of all four boys said, ‘Our little perfect angels are with God now. This was just His plan.’

The first police officer on the scene is quoted as saying, ‘Ew, gross.’

SHOCKING: Tapout T-shirt wearer starts fight with random stranger

With a bloody nose and a suspected permanent concussion, Darrel Patrick checks his Tapout T-shirt for any rips or tears.

With a bloody nose and a suspected permanent concussion, Darrel Patrick checks his Tapout T-shirt for any rips or tears.

‘This T-shirt cost me twenty-five dollars, I need to make sure it’s okay,’ Darrel said when asked by our reporter if he’d like to go to the hospital after the fight.

Darrel is one of millions of Tapout apparel wearers who start fights with random people in the street every single day. And, as is often the outcome, Darrel received some powerful blows to the head until his opponent expressed pity and walked away.

‘Did you see that other guy, though?’ Darrel asked. ‘I totally scared him. I had him in a kimura leg lock. Did you see that? It was some Chael Sonnen-type stuff. You wouldn’t know him. He’s old school like me.’

When asked on why the fight began, Darrel responded: ‘We were in line at Burger King when he looked over at me and our eyes locked. He said he could take me and I said that he couldn’t. Well, he didn’t say it exactly but his eyes did and I just felt a rush of adrenaline and I shot for the double leg. He squirted barbecue sauce in my eyes which is why he won. That’s the only reason.’

He squirted barbecue sauce in my eyes which is why he won.

His ex-wife, Tara, who is also his current girlfriend, had the following to say, ‘He’s a nice, normal guy. It’s just when he wears those tops that he just gets a bit crazy.’

‘Don’t diss my shirts, Tara,’ Darrel interjected. ‘I’ll triangle choke slam you.’

Study: Plane crashes increase when children invited to meet pilots

Leading aviation scientists today revealed that many plane crashes occur when pilots invite children up to the cockpit and let them play with the controls and buttons.

Leading aviation scientists today revealed that many plane crashes occur when pilots invite children up to the cockpit and let them play with the controls and buttons.

‘Today’s report is completely shocking,’ Dr Ellen Fielding, who wasn’t involved in the study, told us. ‘We just thought we were losing aeroplanes through sheer randomness.’

Researchers found that placing a Captain’s hat atop a young child’s head led to a 700% increase in cheek pinching, laughter, and death.

The team also made note in their paper that their specially designed test plane – which contained two pilots and a child with flight anxiety – had ‘disappeared’.

They assured the families of those missing that it was probably coincidence.

Daphne Armstrong, the naval officer in charge of the rescue operation, said, ‘I told their families that there’s still hope, but they’re definitely dead.’

Hell News: Satan looks to BDSM community for new torture ideas

The share price of a company that makes ball gags skyrocketed on the back of reports that Satan has looked into BDSM for torture tips.

The share price of a company that makes ball gags skyrocketed on the back of reports that Satan has looked into BDSM for torture tips.

‘Satan has been torturing souls for thousands of years now,’ an anonymous Hell employee told our reporter. ‘Naturally, ideas are running a bit thin.’

On a trip to Earth, Mister Satan reportedly visited a multitude of doms, sex shops, and prisons on a fact-finding trip to supplement a thinning catalogue of torture techniques.

‘He’s nothing but a creative perfectionist,’ an incubus by the name of Theodore Winthrop-Chesterton told us. ‘Satan is always striving to be known for his ingenuity.’

An eyewitness is reported to have seen several large crates marked ‘Octopus’ being delivered into the portal to Hell. An imp confirmed that the last leg of Mister Satan’s BDSM trip was to Japan.