After rave reviews from close family, writer preps themselves for J. K. Rowling-esque success

Under her trusty pen name, A. B. Charlie has shared copies of some of her short stories with close friends and family and they think she’s ready for the big time.

Under her trusty pen name, A. B. Charlie has shared copies of some of her short stories with close friends and family and they think she’s ready for the big time.

‘When I kept hearing non-stop positive feedback, I knew I was destined for great things,’ A. B. told us. ‘My story To Kill a Mockingbird is doing great amongst readers in my family. You don’t need to be a marketing genius to work out that it spells -‘ A. B. stopped talking to draw a dollar sign in the air.

A. B. gave us a tour of her office. She writes from a laptop that her husband – a fantasy author who has sold over one hundred million copies worldwide who declined an interview with us – bought for her birthday. ‘He’s so sweet,’ she said. ‘He keeps trying to offer me advice but, between you and I, I don’t think I need the help.’

On Wednesday evenings, A. B. runs a creative writing class at the local town hall. ‘It’s just great to give back to the community, you know? There are so many atrocious writers out there and I feel this need to help them.’

Scrolling through her Twitter feed, A. B. points out some of her rivals. ‘This D. B. McKenzie is a hack. She’s pure scum. R. E. Ospeedwagon, the guy who wrote that best-selling self-published tripe, follows me. Well, not me, but my friend, but I taught her how to write so it’s basically me.’

Towards the end of our interview, we pointed out the similarities in the plot of A. B.’s short story, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mockingbird.

‘I wrote this before she wrote hers,’ A. B. told us, crossing her arms. ‘Harper Lee is [sic] a hack. Pure scum.’

Four metre tall Venus Fly Trap crowned by record books, gardener missing

In the plant world, it’s an honour to break a record, and that’s exactly what happened for Evelyn Ng from New York.

In the plant world, it’s an honour to break a record, and that’s exactly what happened for Evelyn Ng from New York. Her Venus Fly Trap officially broke the record for the world’s tallest. Standing at four metres and three centimetres, the Trap with its human-shaped stem is a wonder to behold.

Unfortunately, the plant’s propagator and creator, Evelyn, has been missing for the past four days.

Mandy Ng, Evelyn’s sister, has asked for Evelyn to come home. ‘You broke the record! You need to come home and celebrate, Evelyn!’ She told gathered press at the plant’s crowning.

The Trap, which according to its feeding history, hasn’t been fed in four days. ‘It looks in really good condition,’ Richard Banks, World Plant Records editor said. ‘Wherever Evelyn is, I’m sure she’d be so proud of her creation.’

Window cleaner witness to a crime but bound by iron clad non-disclosure agreement

‘You guys have no idea what I saw,’ Gavin McCloud said, whistling sharply.

‘You guys have no idea what I saw,’ Gavin McCloud said, whistling sharply. ‘It was horrifying. Genuinely horrifying. A certain liquid was just sprayed everywhere.’

Gavin McCloud spoke to us after finishing his shift at a motel on Route 401, where he has been a window cleaner for four years.

‘I just do my job, you know?’ Gavin told us. ‘I see things. I see all sorts of illegal things, but when I signed up, I took an oath. I signed it with my name. You just don’t go and break that kind of thing.’

When asked on the legality of the incidents he has witnessed, he replied: ‘Look, let’s just say, when you go home and you turn the TV on and there’s a missing child or whatever, let’s just say that if I hadn’t signed that NDA with my employer, there would be a reunited family somewhere out there right now. But I signed and it’s my cross to bear.’

Chiropractor responds to a call for a doctor onboard a plane, woman dies

Thirty thousand feet above the Atlantic Ocean, flight attendant Harry Lane grabbed a handset and spoke hurriedly to the entire cabin: ‘If there is a doctor onboard, please make yourself known to a flight attendant.’

Thirty thousand feet above the Atlantic Ocean, flight attendant Harry Lane grabbed a handset and spoke hurriedly to the entire cabin: ‘If there is a doctor onboard, please make yourself known to a flight attendant.’

That plea for a doctor was inspired by a passenger choking on a roll from an in-flight meal that they assumed was edible. As flight attendants struggled to revive the rapidly deteriorating passenger, Harry decided the best course of action would be to call for a qualified physician.

‘Obviously,’ Harry told our reporter, ‘I regret calling for a doctor now.’

The only person to respond was thirty-four year old Suzanne Dellai, a chiropractor who graduated from Perth Upstairs Chiropractic Distance School.

‘At first,’ Harry continued, ‘it was relief seeing someone approaching while we had this poor woman choking on the floor of the cabin.’

That relief quickly dissolved as Suzanne inspected the patient.

‘This Suzanne person said they were a chiropractor. That’s some kind of doctor, right?’ Harry said. ‘She started “humming” and “awing” while the passenger was turning blue in the face. Then Suzanne finally said that, in order to save the woman, we’ll need to turn her onto her stomach for a spinal adjustment.’

Upon turning the passenger over onto her front, Suzanne reportedly began “adjusting” the woman’s back. An “adjustment” is a chiropractic term for applying pressure around a joint in order to release the gases that naturally build up.

Harry let out a melancholy sigh before continuing, ‘I kept hearing crack-crack-crack but the passenger’s eyes were growing wider with fear until eventually they closed. Still, Suzanne kept adjusting and saying, “Stay with me, damn it.”‘

According to Suzanne, she tried everything she had been taught to do in an emergency. She said, ‘Honestly, it just feels like this was God’s plan. You can adjust a back all you want, but if God wants to take someone, He will.’

Perth Upstairs Chiropractic Distance School was unavailable for comment as they had allegedly failed to pay rent to their landlord for seven months.

‘It’s pretty great being a doctor, though,’ Suzanne told us. ‘People listen to me. It feels great to get the respect I deserve.’

Suzanne Dellai specialises in newborn infant adjustments and those at risk of myocardial infarction.

Man regrets choosing to become a ghost instead of going to Heaven

The ever-living soul of a former Connecticut man – Rod Herring – is facing an eternity of regret as his choice to become a ghost instead of spending his afterlife in Heaven is coming back to haunt him.

The ever-living soul of a former Connecticut man – Rod Herring – is facing an eternity of regret as his choice to become a ghost instead of spending his afterlife in Heaven is coming back to haunt him.

‘I didn’t realise my wife would remarry,’ Rod told our reporter. ‘And it was quick, too. Her new husband has started wearing my silk pajamas which I absolutely hate and it drives me nuts and he also has sex with her which I dislike somewhat.’

Rod, who was texting and driving just before death, told our reporter that there were positives to being a ghost, ‘I go back to my old workplace and I do a few hours for the boss off the clock. Gotta help his business out, you know?’

Woman sees for first time after operation, immediately loses sight again after getting curious about the sun

‘We kinda dropped the ball on this one,’ Dr Basson, lead surgeon, told reporters.

‘We kinda dropped the ball on this one,’ Dr Basson, lead surgeon, told reporters. ‘Someone probably should’ve said to her pre-op, “Oh, yeah, and that warm thing you feel on your face when you look up is a giant, bright ball of fire that’ll mess your eyes up.”’