Hell News: Angel and Demon become unlikely couple

Hesediel and Demiurge have made an implausible celebrity couple in the Afterlife World.

Hesediel and Demiurge have made an implausible celebrity couple in the world of the Afterlife.

Hesediel, hailing from the celestial heavens, told us how they met: ‘We were at a cocktail party thrown by JC. It was pretty boring until Demiurge and I both reached for the last pizza wheel.

‘It recoiled at my touch and cursed a snarl,’ Hesedial continued, ‘but there was something sexy in the way that it attempted to gore me that I just knew Demi was my eternal soulmate.’

And what does Demiurge, a data entry assistant at a small Hell-based investment bank, think of this Romeo and Juliet-esque love?

‘I’m trying to convince Hesedial to let me and my friends run a train on her,’ it told us.

Hell News: Satan looks to BDSM community for new torture ideas

The share price of a company that makes ball gags skyrocketed on the back of reports that Satan has looked into BDSM for torture tips.

The share price of a company that makes ball gags skyrocketed on the back of reports that Satan has looked into BDSM for torture tips.

‘Satan has been torturing souls for thousands of years now,’ an anonymous Hell employee told our reporter. ‘Naturally, ideas are running a bit thin.’

On a trip to Earth, Mister Satan reportedly visited a multitude of doms, sex shops, and prisons on a fact-finding trip to supplement a thinning catalogue of torture techniques.

‘He’s nothing but a creative perfectionist,’ an incubus by the name of Theodore Winthrop-Chesterton told us. ‘Satan is always striving to be known for his ingenuity.’

An eyewitness is reported to have seen several large crates marked ‘Octopus’ being delivered into the portal to Hell. An imp confirmed that the last leg of Mister Satan’s BDSM trip was to Japan.

Hell News: Satan not interested in meeting Epstein

A spokesperson for the Dark Lord is reported to have said: ‘Mr Satan doesn’t think it would be a good PR look.’

A spokesperson for the Dark Lord is reported to have said: ‘Mr Satan doesn’t think it would be a good PR look.’

Shortly after allegedly committing suicide, Jeffrey Epstein found himself in the fiery depths of hell. Eye witnesses said that his descent was uneventful but that he had no friends in the afterlife.

‘No one jumped up to see him,’ one condemned soul told us. ‘He’s pretty isolated right now. Plus he has to sleep in the bottom bunk beneath someone who has been forced to wet the bed for eternity.’

A source close to Mr Satan said that one of Epstein’s punishments for the rest of time will most likely be ‘experiencing the sensation of having zero value as a creature and being aware that the entire universe considers you to be a stain of sheer misery.’